Life as a continuing studies student presents a particular set of challenges. Managing work-life balance and academic achievement are an important concern for students in the School of Continuing Studies (SCS Student Needs Survey, 2022). When there is pressure to achieve a certain standard, this can increase stress levels and cause self-criticism.
Self-compassion, an emotional attitude
When you make a mistake or don’t live up to your own (or others’) expectations, do you tend to be hard on yourself? Do you self-judge a little too harshly? Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same level of kindness as you would a good friend who is feeling inadequate or having a difficult time. It’s the process of turning compassion inward, calming our inner critic and replacing it with a voice of support, understanding, and care for oneself. After all, it is human to err, and we need to accept that sometimes things won’t go the way we expected, and we may even fail.
According to Kristin Neff, PhD and pioneer in the study of self-compassion, there are three key components to this emotional attitude:
Self-kindness. When we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain, engaging in self-criticism and judgment, we can be gentle and understanding toward ourselves. The reality of the situation is accepted (rather than denied) with sympathy and kindness.
Common Humanity. Recognizing that there are others who share similar hardships in contrast to feeling isolated, where you may feel as though ‘you’ are the only person suffering or making mistakes.
Mindfulness. Taking a balanced and non-judgmental approach to our negative emotions, observing thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them. This requires that we do not over-identify with our thoughts and feelings and get caught up in negative reactivity.
Self-compassion is proving to be a useful tool for university students to succeed and thrive in their studies. Researchers from Carleton University in Ottawa have found a relationship between self-compassion and mental health, that the emotional attitude is related to increases in well-being and decreases in ill-being (Remedios, 2022).
What self-compassion is not
Self-compassion is not self-pity, self-indulgence or being too “soft” on yourself. Those who are self-compassionate understand that in order to grow and develop, one must engage in behaviours and activities that are in the best interest of their health and well-being, which does not involve constant self-indulgence. This approach involves treating both positive and negative emotions with neutrality, neither ignoring nor becoming absorbed by them (the latter of which occurs with self-pity).
Self-compassion break
So, what does self-compassion look like in action? Let’s give it a try: Think of a situation that is causing you stress right now (ideally, a mild to moderate problem to start).
Visualize the situation clearly in your mind. What is the setting? Who is saying what to whom? What is happening? What might happen?
Now, try saying one or more of these phrases to yourself:
“This is a moment of suffering.”
“Suffering is a part of life. I’m not alone. Everyone experiences this, just like me.”
“May I give myself what I need.”
“May I accept myself as I am.”
“May I forgive myself.”
“May I be strong/patient.
If you have difficulty finding the right words, imagine that a friend or loved one is having the same problem. What would you say to this person? What simple message would you like to deliver to them? Now, see if you can offer the same message to yourself. Practice this as often as you need.
For more information and resources on self-compassion, check out: https://self-compassion.org/
References:
Neff, K. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. The Guilford Press. New York, NY.
Remedios, J. (2022, March 10). What is self-compassion and how can it help university students? Psychology Grad Student Blog, Carleton University.